thoughts

setiap hari, nyampe kantor pasti saya langsung buka Diana\'s blog selain email dan plurk dan blog ini.

saya suka buka blognya Diana karena walaupun saya ngga begitu suka gaya berpakaian dia, tapi saya suka ngeliat banyak warna-warni di baju-bajunya dia. ngasih semangat di pagi hari. hehehehe.

dan hari ini, saya baca post Diana tentang dia resign dari kantornya. it really inspires me. bukan tentang resign. *gileee kerja baru 2 bulan udah mau resign aja gw* tapi tentang finding and following your passion.

setelah lulus kuliah, saya mendapatkan apa yang saya inginkan, apa yang saya rencanakan yaitu langsung dapet kerja.

saya ngga tau ya, mungkin karena saya masih baru juga masih adaptasi tapi dari semua rencana yang udah saya pikirind ari sejak saya kuliah, dan ketika semua rencana saya berjalan lancar selancar jalan tol cipularang malem-malem, saya tetep ngga merasa bahagia.

saya ngga tau bagian yang ‘bolong’ dari hidup saya itu apa.

menurut saya hidup saya itu lebih dari cukup, karena apa yang saya rencanakan, apa yang saya mau, semuanya kejadian.

kalo kata Britney Spears di lagunya

“if there is nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?”

i seriously often crying without any reason.

dan kalo ditanya apa impian saya, apa yang saya mau sekarang pun saya ngga tau. itu yang bikin saya makin frustasi. saya jenuh dengan keadaan sekarang ini, tapi saya ngga tau apa yang saya mau. i complain but i’m not coming up with a solution just like the demonstrant always complain about government but never come up with the solution.

orang-orang mengharapkan saya untuk bekerja di Lawfirm ataupun kaya sekarang di bagian Legal.

but one thing i know is that i don’t like lawyer or even lawyering. once i was asked in the job interview “what do you know about lawyering?” my heart answered “it is something that i hate the most” but then my mouth said “lawyering is bla bla bla”. if he could read my mind or even read my eyes, he would knows that i’m so not into lawyering.

maybe people would think that i’m weird. i am a bachelor degree of law. but i hate all the things about law. i don’t even know how i survive in college.

i mean, i wasn’t a bright student in university. it took me 5 years to finally graduate.

but something that makes me feel down is that went to law school was my own decision. i made my choice which was really contrast with my parent’s choice. they wanted me to go to economic school.

i mean i feel down because it seems like i can’t be responsible with my own decision.

i chose law not because i love law’s stuff but more like to prove my parents that i was mature enough to make my own desicion.

and recently, i’m thinking about being a personal assistant. and then i said to my friend that i have an interest on being a personal assistant. but she said that i was graduated from law school and i could be ‘more’ than just a personal assistant.

gaaaaaah.

i’m confused.

but i’m just afraid if i give this job up, then i become a personal assistant, just like what i want, then i feel confuse again. i totally realized that i get bored easily. i just don’t wanna take the risk.

and what if i make a wrong decision again?

what if my desicion or my passion won’t make my parents proud of me?

what if my next job doesn’t make my parents proud of me?

what if…..

then what if i make everyone happy but me?

i don’t even know what i want in my life. really frustrating.

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