the ugly duckling

i always feel beautiful at the time before i go to bed and waking up after take a nap or take a loooong sleep. With the Pajamas on me, Night Cream on my face, messy hair, i feel so comfortable and thinking ‘that is the real me’.

tapi anehnya, gw malah suka ngerasa ngga pede kalo abis didandanin. Apalagi dandanan pas wisuda, yang gw pake bulu mata palsu panjaaaang banget kaya bulu mata onta. Hadooooh, sumpah gw berasa kaya bencong.

Apa karena belom terbiasa didandanin aja kali ya?

Dulu, gw tipe perempuan yang kalo lagi ada pemilihan kelompok belajar tapi yang pasang-pasangan gitu, cewe cowo, gw selalu jadi yang terakhir dipilih. Daaan akhirnya gw dipasangin sama cewe juga, yang nasibnya sama kaya gw. Ngga ada laki-laki yang milih gw buat jadi pasangannya di kelompok belajar.

And i never be that girl who always be surrounded by the IT guys, hang out with the popular girls, having the cool guy as a boyfriend or at least a close friend. No. I could tell that guys dislike me because i was soooo mean, unfriendly, and bossy to them. And to be the IT girl was all that i wanted.

Masuk SMA, aga mendingan sedikit. But i was the clown type. Guys loved to make fun of me. they called me anything they want and never thought that their words might hurted me. i spent sooo much time thinking “am i really that ugly??”. at that time, i had no confidence at all. I wasn’t a bright student, i almost failed to go to the second grade in high school, fell in love with the popular guy but then i found out that he was madly in love with my best friend. I felt like there was nothing special in me. i wasn’t smart, i wasn’t beautiful, i wasn’t a popular kid, and i always got my heart broken. To be beautiful was all that i wanted. I straightened my curly hair but then my best friend told me that i was faking myself for straightening my hair. She said that i wasn’t being original. She thought that I was kinda a popular-girl-wannabe. I was soooo stressed. straightening your hair every 3 months was not an easy thing to do. but i did that because i wanted to be beautiful. And having a straight hair made me feel good. I mean i feel more confidence in my straight hair.

People love to make fun of me. seriously. even after i graduated from high school and university, they just can’t stop making fun of me. especially guys. Back to high school, i was pretty upset everytime guys mocked at me, but then i changed my mind set. Why do i have to feel pitty for myself?i didn’t wanna be that pathetic, i didn’t wanna be the person who cry over theirselves. So instead of crying over myself, i laughed over myself. i never listened to their bad words. I convinced myself that they were just joking. And now, if someone make fun of me, i don’t wanna give a shit. It’s not my problem, because i actually feel good about myself.

Sampe sekarang pun, gw masih sering dikatain “gigi lo tonggos deh” “gigi lo offside” “gigi lo kaya kuda” (kasian banget sih gigi gw jadi korban mulu) “idung lo gede banget kaya jambu aer” “betis lo gede, pipi lo tembem” “muka lo kaya Squidward” (what the..???). Kadang-kadang cape juga sih dengernya, i try to be positive but somehow i’m crying a little bit too. I’m a human being who have a heart. walopun berusaha untuk masuk kuping kiri keluar kuping kanan gitu ya, cuma kan tetep aja kadang kemasukan ke hati juga.apalagi cewe, dikatain sama cowo. Coba siapa yang ngga sakit ati. Apalagi kalo lagi masa-masa PMS. And i all did was just faking a smile or laugh.

All i ever wanted is just to be a beautiful girl. To be considered as a beautiful girl. That’s why i’m trying sooooo hard and put much efforts to achieve my goal. I know that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, tapi yang perlu diingat lagi adalah CANTIK ITU BISA DIUSAHAIN. Serius deh.

Jaman sekarang banyak cara-cara ekstrim untuk jadi cantik. Tapi berhubung gw anaknya penakut dengan budget terbatas pula, jadilah gw memilih jalan yang normal-normal aja, sehat dan prosesnya lama. I drink tomato juice everyday, i put honey in my lips everday, i iron my hair every morning, i never forget to use a body lotion, body butter, honey-face mask, kiwi-hair mask, scrubing my body and bla bla bla, you name it. Semuanya gw lakuiiiin. Because honestly i still want to be beautiful physically. But the most important thing is i’m not trying sooo hard to be beautiful so that i can get a guy. NO. But more to make me feel good about myself. i believe in “looks good, feels good” line. (kaya tag iklan ye?) when i think i look good, i have more confidence in myself. When the confidence comes, i feel powerful. Feel powerful to do anything i want, to get what i want, to socialize with other people and to think positive. And currently, i realize one thing, that inner beauty really does matter. A joyful heart and a great personality make you shining. It appears through your face. And that is what really matter.

Karena gw baru banget nemu orang kaya gini ya. Menurut gw, secara fisik dia cantik. Cantik lah serius deh. Tapi entah kenapa setiap hari dia keliatan suntuk, kusut, kusam, kayanya kalo ngeliat dia bawaannya muram aja gitu. Nah sejak itu gw jadi sadar kalo inner beauty itu beneran keliatan. Karena kan ada juga orang yang mukanya biasa aja tapi bawaannya happy, fun, outgoing jadinya enak aja gitu diliatnya. Kalo orang yang suntuk, nyebelin, ganggu, mau segimana cakepnya juga tetep aja keliatan di mukanya. Gw bilangnya “muka yang ngga enak diliat”. Serius deh, coba aja cari orang yang suntuk dan kayanya kusut aja gitu, ga Pedean, mukanya pasti ngga enak buat diliat. Bukan karena dia jelek, tapi lebih karena ketika kita ngeliat mukanya, bawaannya ikut suram juga gitu. Mungkin bukan jelek ya, tapi ngga menarik.

Oh, this is a theory of mine. You don’t have to be beautiful all the time, BE ATTRACTIVE. Orang yang mukanya biasa aja, bisa jadi menarik karena sikapnya, kepribadiannya dan pastinya pembawaannya.

Sedangkan ada juga orang yang dandaaaan banget tapi pembawaannya ngga enak, tetep aja jadinya ngga enak diliat. Dan orang akan bilang “cantik sih, tapiiii..” dan lebih parah lagi yang mukanya biasa aja dan kelakuannya ganggu banget. kalo kata temen gw “udah jelek, ganggu banget lagi. Apa yang mau dijual coba dari dia??seengganya kalo jelek, ya kelakuannya bener kek. Ini mah begitu” itu temen gw cowo pula yang ngomong. Laki-laki aja bisa ngomong begitu cobaaaa.

Balik lagi ke awal, yang gw merasa paling cantik kalo sebelom tidur dan bangun tidur. Kalo dibilang “kan lo merasa paling cakep dengan muka bantal dan polos gitu, kalo gitu lo pergi-pergi begitu aja gayanya” . eits, ngga bisa. Kalo pergi-pergi gw harus tetep dandan (and by ‘Dandan’ means pake pelembab, bedak, lipbalm, plus maskara doang). Namanya juga cewe, masa ketemu orang-orang baru atau orang-orang udah rapih-rapih tapi muka gw kucel+kusem. Kan ndak enak juga toooh.

Yang penting Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. To be beautiful is to be positive. Dan sekali lagi, cantik itu bisa diusahain.

“cantik itu kekuatan. Tapi kemampuan mempengaruhi orang lain adalah sumber kekuasaan para ratu sejak dahulu” –Moemoe Rizal, Outrageous-

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