Couple days ago, I got minor anxiety in the morning right after I woke up. I sat down on my work desk, holding my phone while looking at my social media. I kinda forgot what triggered me but the next thing I knew was I cried so hard. My mind started to replay again all the moment where I disagree with someone, the moment where I got upset because of some peoples’ words and action but I couldn’t ever show and tell them that I was upset because of them. I heard mix of voices. Me blaming on myself of why I couldn’t express my feeling at that time, voices of something that I should say but I never say, voices of them that makes me upset. Their words that made me feel being judged, being cornered and misunderstood. All the voices crawled in my head at one time. My head started to ache and my breath started to become heavy.
I hate the situation where I can’t control my emotion because I don’t know what to do to calm myself. The more I try to brush the voices off, the more I try to calm myself, the more out of control I am. It just feels like all my pent up anger and hatred towards everything that I always try to bury inside me was exploding. After I let myself release all the tears, I reached my journal book and started to write what I feel. I write one by one, name of people who makes me upset and why they make upset. I write what I just experience, I write every word that I wish I said, I write the words of voices that blames me inside my head earlier. I pour my emotion into words. Afterwards, I feel a little bit better.
Everyday I feel like there’s a war inside myself. A war between me and my own self. I don’t know if it makes sense to anyone, because sometimes it also doesn’t make sense to me. After all the thought, I always doubt my feeling. Is what I feel valid? Is it okay to have such feeling? Or am I just exaggerating? Or is it because I hate myself so much that I blame everyone for making me feel bad?
And then I realized, that’s the thing about mental illness. Let alone the stigma towards it, let alone people suggestion or opinion on mental illness. The person who live with it, also question their feeling. I don’t even believe on what I feel, on what I experience, I always blame myself for having such feeling, for experiencing such experience, for being annoying. I hardly acknowledge my feeling. And it becomes a loop. My inability or unwilled to express my emotion, pent up anger and hatred, blaming myself for what I feel, hating myself for being such a bad person for having a bad feeling, and it goes on the loop that over the time engrained in my mind.
Also, the present day where everything goes really fast. The information that we receive from social media, tv, radio, newspaper, or everything comes in really quick. While on the other hand, we are not given enough time to process those much of information. I used to think that being productive and being a useful human being is by doing many things at one time, that I could finish many things in one day. Which makes me realized, it just doesn’t right. At least for me. I only see and appreciate something big while I never pay attention or appreciate myself for doing something small. I hated myself if I didn’t do anything big in one day, which at the end of the day I have myself to blame and hated for not being able to meet up my own standard and be who I wish myself to be.
I gave myself a little break over the weekend to think of what I should do to make myself a little bit better. I know that I can’t be healed or changed overnight. I know that my wounds and hatred over myself that I practice years after years won’t just go away in a day, a week or a month. I know it’ll takes a commitment and many times to work on myself so I can be healed. Slowly.
I came up with a plan which is writing on my journal after I wake up every day. Be it just me writing what I did the day before or just what I feel at that time, or even every emotion that I have towards people but I can’t express it. At least, I need to acknowledge the existence my feeling and not denying it again. After writing on my journal, I write my to do list for the entire day. Not only the big one, but I also write the small one such as doing household chores, cook simple dish, etc. Because I think I need to start to appreciate everything that I can do even if it doesn’t make a big impact for many people. Also, at the end of the day I feel happy because I can tick most of the things that I should do for the day.
I also try to reduce my screen time on social media. And no need to hurry picking up whenever there’s a phone notification beeping. All the information I received seems too much for me. It’s just, I don’t think I’m build to be compatible to receive and processing many information in one time. It’s okay to miss out somethings. it’s okay to not know everything.
And yesterday, was my first day of period. My body felt sore and aching. I couldn’t stand on my feet for a long time because the stomach cramps felt so bad. All the soreness on my body made me not being able to do many things. But that was okay. I don’t need to push my body beyond its limit just so I can achieve everything I want to achieve. I found that it is okay to go slow. To appreciate little things that mostly been invisible in my eyes all this time. To give myself a pat in my back for doing good things even if it doesn’t give big impact for the world. To love the part of me that no one clap for.
I guess this is one of the downside of living in a big city. Everything comes real fast. The society pressure is so big. The never ending noise of vehicle, people, TV, all annoys my ear that it irritates my mood sometimes. I remember the Ted Talk by Ruby Wax, she said that ‘we are not equipped for the 21st century’. And I kinda agree with her. Maybe some people can be perfectly fine and happy with fast pace or doing everything all at once or whatever life method they choose. And maybe some people have to go slower to be fine and happy. And that some people include me. It’s hard to swallow the fact that I have to deal and live with this until God knows when. And the only thing I want to do right now is to be healed (at least managing it better) and love myself for who I am.
PS : One of my positive affirmation that I practice recently is telling myself that I am okay. That I will be okay.