Morning Notes

“Selamat pagi wahai kalian, orang-orang korban mulut manis management.”
@pervertauditor on May 16th, 2012

I love to read @pervertauditor tweets simply just because it makes me laugh. Actually laugh at my exhausting life as an employee or in worse word Corporate Slave. and most of the time its tweets hit and fit me that I laugh cynically. it’s been almost 2 years I work as an employee, to be exact as a Legal Staff in Oil and Gas Company. Sounds fancy? Haha. I’m laughing cynically right now. and it’s been almost a year I’ve become a Legal Spv. Since my direct boss resigned last year, so here I am, all alone, okay, not all alone, I was left with one staff to be supervised and bigger salary of course. But as people can see, bigger salary ALWAYS come hand-in-hand with bigger responsibility. And plus for me, higher risk.

I might be not an auditor or a lawyer or an engineer who has unlimited work time. And I thank God for that, because I still be able to manage my life. But just like other thousand employee out there, I also (most of the time) feel exhausted with my job. That high risk I’ve mentioned earlier, that bigger responsibility, that ugly truth about running a business, that intimidating sight from external people when they meet me, that God-i-feel-so-stupid feeling which often hit me, that pressure, that overtime, that office politic, and so on and so on, makes me feel like hiding under my blanket and just let those people do whatever they want to do.

Sometimes I feel so fed up, and to make it worse, I’m such a freaking perfectionist and deep thinker person who just happened to think deeply about every single thing in life. Hoping that I could solve all the problems in the world, hoping that I could be a perfect person for every one, WHICH IS IMPOSSIBROOOO. Since I am not a super hero. Just an ordinary employee. Just an ordinary human being. And yes, sometimes I feel so fed up with my job, knowing that business is actually often run in bad and dishonest way, knowing that some people are really tricky and mean, knowing that some people who say that they will got your back are actually the one who bring the knife, and knowing that Jakarta could be so mean that it gives me an unbearable traffic jam, inhuman public transportation and to make it worse better-ignore-them-because-your-life-is-already-complicated-you-don’t-need-them-to-make-it-more-complicated GOVERNMENT.

I’m not saying that I’m not grateful with my life. Sometimes when I feel sane, I feel so grateful and blessed with my life and also include this job. I could experience the feeling to be a staff and to be a supervisor. Both are not easy to do. When you are a staff, you have sooo many works from your boss to be done, and also don’t forget the deadline and the grumble from your boss when your work is not good enough in their eyes. And when you are a supervisor or a boss, here’s the difficulty, you are responsible on your staff works. In another words, you are the one who bear the risk of your staff’s mistake to the board of director. Then I think, staff and supervisor or manager or boss or whatever you name your top head in your office, they both should work as a team. Not backstabbing or blaming each other. Well, they should. Oh well, I should.

Anyway, I also had this experience when my big boss asked me to company him to a financial institution to propose for some financial fund. One thing I learned, it was so exhausting to find some money so the business could run, so the employees’ salary could be paid, to settle up the company’s debts, I was so speechless. Life is hard for every one. [Except Paris Hilton’s maybe]. And in this hard life, i don’t understand why there are some people that exist just to ruin other people life. People who corrupt, sly usurer, parasite people, backstabber, two-faced people, bigheaded people, why aren’t these people eaten by the Polar Bear or slammed by Hulk? God, why?

I wish I know nothing. It would be better to not know every thing. Because some truth are pretty ugly. I’m scared, scared of being a bad person unconsciously. I know this world is so mean but I just don’t wanna change myself to be a bad person just so I can survive. I still wanna live my life in honest and right way. Honesty and sincerity become an expensive value nowadays.

And despite of all my grumbling, my whining, my tiring days, I somehow found that I, myself, enjoy this job. Things that I do daily. Of course, aside from the Company Management, aside from the office politic which kinda depressed me much, I somehow enjoy what I do. And plus, work sucks but I need the bucks. To afford the shoes, to afford the low-cost airlines ticket, to save some for my future life (household) and all the things that I can not afford when I was a student.

Have I ever thought about resigning? Yes, all the time. When I heard my office mates would resign, I feel like hang in their feet and screaming “take me with you!!”. Hehehehehe. But, maybe the time when I have to resign haven’t come yet. So maybe I better hang in here until God knows when. And laugh at my tiring daily routine and makan-hati office life could be a good way to make me stay sane. as Jason Mraz says in his new song ‘God knows I’m tough enough.’ *angelic pose*

“In this nowadays world of lie, hype, complex, false doctrine and weird practices, I’m searching for a sincerity.” Beautiful quotes from Aelke Marishka.

Part-time Loner

“hah?lo jalan kaki dari kantor ke Ambasador?”

Temen gw kaget setengah mati pas tau gw jalan kaki pulang kerja dari Kantor ke Ambas. Apalagi kalo gw ceritain rencana gw mau pulang kerja jalan kaki dari kantor ke rumah ya?bisa pengsan dia. Sama sih, gw juga bisa koma kali ya jalan kaki dari kantor sampe rumah. Jangan heran kalo 2 bulan kemudian ini betis lebih gede dari badan gw.

Awalnya temen gw ini bilang dia susah tidur kalo malem. Dengan mata berbinar-binar gw kasih dia tips paling ampuh buat mengatasi insomnia yaitu membuat badan kita cape dengan berjalan kaki sebanyak mungkin, jadi pas sampe rumah badan kita udah minta buat istirahat. Eh bukannya dikasih tepuk tangan kek, dia malah ngetawain. Dia bilang “gw minta saran yang bener, lo mah becanda mulu”

Bingung gw. Itu kayanya saran gw yang paling bermutu deh.

Trus gw ceritain deh kiprah berjalan kaki gw selama di Bandung. Gw kemana-mana selama memungkinkan pasti jalan kaki. Gw cerita juga kemaren gw jalan kaki pulang kerja karena lagi banyak pikiran jadi gw memutuskan untuk jalan kaki.

Dia bilang gw kaya anak ilang.

Menurut gw, jalan kaki sendirian ngga terlihat semenyedihkan itu deh. Lagian gw jalan kaki juga pandangannya lurus ke depan, bukan yang sambil celingak-celinguk kaya anak ilang atau copet gitu. Dia juga heran pas denger gw suka jalan-jalan sendirian di mall.

Apa yang salah sih dengan berjalan sendiri?apa yang salah sih dengan melakukan sesuatu sendiri?apa yang salah sih dengan sendiri?

Bukan berarti gw ngga punya temen sih.

Dan bukan berarti gw sangat menyedihkan sampe gw harus pergi sendiri.

Kadang ketika lagi ada pikiran atau bahasa anak mudanya, sedang kalut, atau bahasa infotainment nya sedang dirudung sendu, lagi stres, lagi seneng, lagi cape, gw memutuskan untuk sendiri. Sendiri tidak selalu karena keadaan, ya kadang karena keadaan juga sih, misalnya mau nonton tapi ngga ada yang bisa nemenin, ya nonton sendiri pun dijabanin. Tapi kebanyakan gw memilih untuk sendiri. Gw tidak memandang kesendirian gw sebagai sesuatu yang menyedihkan. Dan mungkin ini sangat basi dan klise ya, gw sendiri karena gw memilih untuk sendiri.

That is what i call independence not loneliness.

Jalan kaki sendirian bisa memberi gw banyak kesempatan untuk mengamati sekitar. Ngeliatin orang-orang di jalanan. Bahkan gw sering sok-sok menganalisa bahasa tubuh orang. Mana yang baru terima gajian, mana yang lagi dikejar deadline, mana yang baru diputusin, mana yang baru ambil raport, mana yang abis nyopet #eh dan sebagainya dan sebagainya. When i walk alone in the street, i often have a conversation in my mind. Conversation between my brain and my heart. Kadang juga gw sering ngebayangin momen-momen yang lucu atau momen-momen yang gw harapkan bersama gebetan, hahahahahhaha, dan gw sering banget senyum-senyum sendiri di jalanan. Bukannya gila atau mau flirting ke satpam tapi karena gw punya dunia sendiri di kepala gw ketika gw lagi jalan kaki sendirian. I build another world in my mind. Mungkin itu alasan kenapa satpam-satpam atau abang-abang pinggir jalan demen banget godain gw ya?gw terlihat lagi senyum ke mereka.

Ngga tau ya tapi kadang gw seneng aja sendiri. Misalnya dengerin musik lewat earphone sambil tiduran. when i listen to the music through my earphone, i ignore the world and start to daydream about everything. I don’t think being alone because you choose to be alone is pathetic. Sometimes you just need a quality times with yourself. Imagine about everything you want. you create another world where there is only you and those people you choose to be there.

Isn’t that a nice thing to do?

Regards,
Carissa

“yes, i talk to myself often. Even more than i talk to others. It’s always nice having conversation with a brilliant mind like myself.”

Tweet of @missciccone on May the 3rd, 2012.

A..B..C

I got this questionnaire from my office mate Marcia. i visited her blog and found this. and i think this questionaire is worth to try. let’s try this. thanks Marcia for emailing me this.

My childhood was …

as happy as cinderella finally married to prince.

In three words, I am …

kind, friendly, complicated.

My mood right now …

as flat as LG LED TV 52″

I would never …

hit someone and do the cat fight. always classy, never trashy, girls.

My best teacher is …

my experience.

I am proudest of …

my ability in writing and stalking. i think BIN should have hired me :p

The love of my life …

my family, my inner circle of friends and my cat.

My favorite place in the world, and why …

Bandung. comfy, friendly and hommy

I am happiest when ….

i am with my inner circle people, shopping with no limited budget (which is verrryyy rarely to happen), having my me-time.

And saddest when …

being left, being under-pressure, being unintentionally mean to people i love.

The talent I wish I had …

singing and dancing. like i seriously would kill to have talent like Beyonce or at least Agnes Monica.

My best traits …

i’m a person full of effort.

And worst …

as stubborn as hell. when i want A, then it means A . not B, C or other alphabets.

The best piece of advice someone gave me …

if you never try then you never know. and this one “don’t play with someone’s heart for it’s not a toy and not sold at minimarket.”

In tough times, I …

wandering alone. let myself cry and walk with no destination. and pray. and thinking deeply on what i should do to let myself pass this.

My beauty secret …

just like other normal human being : brushing teeth, take a shower twice a day, always put body lotion after taking shower, use conditioner for hair, drink A LOT OF water, laugh and be nice.

Money is …

a tool that people use to get what they want but not always what they need.

I’m nervous …

when i find myself is about to do something big. and also when i’m about to lie. i am the worst liar in the world.

The most attractive thing about a man …

Glasses and oriental looks. i don’t know why i have such a huge interest in guy with glasses.

Best thing about getting older …

be wiser and have more experience.

If I could change something about myself …

not to be as stuborn as i am now.

I’m most comfortable wearing …

pajamas

People would be surprised to know …

that i am a girl with a super low self esteem, stubborn, and super complicated mind. if you could read my mind, you would call an ambulance.

I cannot bring myself to eat …

meat, crab, and scallop. and every food contains snail.

I wish I could …

change the world. seriously.

My choice of three special people to eat dinner with …

Lionel Messi. i am a fan of him. he’s just the representations of a person who automatically stand up when he falls. i will take a bunch of picture with him hehehe and the rest two.. have no idea

The unforgivable for me …

someone who kills animal and/or human being, and do coruption. and a man who abuse a woman.

My biggest frustration …

currently : the office politic.

For Indonesia, I want …

to be its good citizen.

And for the world …

i do hope that poverty, violence, war would be erased. keep the peace, people.

The last 12 months for me have been …

rough, flat, happy.

In 10 years from now, I will hopefully …

be a wife, a mother, an enterpreneur and a writer.

My life motto is …

u never know unless u try.

My aim in life …

to be not forgotten in centuries.

Please remember me as …

who i am.

—————————————————–

That’s the answer of my questionnaire. Now, let’s get back to work. No, i’m kidding, let’s blog-walking!!!

Regards,
Carissa

Relationship. Pretty true. Pretty sad.

Relationship.

Pretty true.

Pretty real.

Pretty sad.

Sometimes i feel so anxious, over-excited about relationship. But sometimes the idea of tied down with someone slash having a relationship with someone, scares the hell out of me. Having the idea that someone comes into my life, and getting too close into my life, scares me. but to think that i could have someone who i could feel so comfortable with and i could be open up with, excites me.

But, how can i love when i’m afraid to fall? Well, it’s Christina Perri who said that. and that question goes straight to my brain. How can i love when i’m afraid to fall?

…

i don’t know.

i can’t think.

Regards,
Carissa

Current Feeling

This is what i feel right now. This is what i do when i feel so fed up with my job. I just can’t think positively right now.

When is my turn??

Tring.

Begitu suara BlackBerry gw berbunyi menandakan ada notifikasi baru di account Facebook gw. Begitu dibuka isinya undangan pernikahan temen kuliah. Sebenarnya ngga begitu temen deket sih cuma kan jaman sekarang ya, jaman ngundang kondangan bukan pake kode asap lagi tapi udah via Facebook, BlackBerry Messenger, dll ga heran kalo yg dateng tamunya ngelebihin jatah katering, kalo bisa seantero Facebook diundang semua deh.

Nah ga beberapa lama which is sedetik kemudian, yes that fast!, temen gw bbm, wah gw udh curiga nih kayaknya mau ngomentarin si anu yg mau nikahan. Dan benar saja, teman gw sebut saja namanya Blake Lively, pergaulan kelas worldwide dong gw, histeris..”lo liat undangannya si anu kan? Semua orang nikah! WHEN IS MY TURN???!!!!”

She is one of my bestfriend actually, the sweetest one for exact, tapi saat itu pengen gw timpuk rasanya. Kenapa? Karena…

Satu. Dia punya pacar ya, sedangkan gw berstatus jomblo elit nan elegan bahkan gebetan pun tak ada.

Dua. Di bulan maret ini 2 teman geng gong gw di kantor masing-masing nikah di 2 minggu berturut turut.

Tiga. Gw 24 tahun. Si Blake Lively ini juga 24 sih tapi sebentar lagi 25. Hehehe.

Nah yang harusnya teriak when is my turn itu siapaaaa?

Mereka-mereka yang sudah berpacar tapi belum dinikahi atau wanita JEE macam gw yang bahkan gebetan pun tak ada??

Hoaaaash. Jd emosi.

Sebetulnya sih pertanyaan when is my turn itu juga sempat berputar-putar di kepala gw.

Temen SMP yg tiba-tiba udah punya anak, temen SMA yang menjadi newlyweds, dan temen kuliah yang bak nikah berjamaah. SEMUA orang aja nikah. Lah gw kapan??!

Pernah gw saking frustasinya gw ngedumel sendiri di depan kasir ketika gw sedang membeli segelas cappucino.
“si ini nikah, si itu nikah, semua aja nikah”
Dan si mas kasir ini kayanya kepo dengan gw yang ngomel-ngomel sendiri, dia bilang “tenang aja mbak kalo 30 hari dari sekarang mbak belum nemu jodoh juga, mbak kesini lagi aja, saya tungguin mbak deh”

Mungkin kalo itu jadi adegan film korea, akan terlihat menjadi adegan oh-so-sweet, apalagi kalo Lee Min Ho yang ngomong, tapi di kehidupan nyata that was kinda scary actually. Mungkin karena dia juga bukan Lee Min Ho, just a total stranger that doesn’t look like Lee Min Ho.

Anw, back to topic, Padahal umur gw masih 24 loh. Kalo di daerah mungkin cw umur 20 blm nikah udah di baca-baca orang pinter kali ya. Tapi ini kan kotaaaa. Di kota modern jaman sekarang gini cewe umur 32 belom nikah itu macam biasa aja. Ya amit-amit sih gw juga ngga mau jadi perawan tua.

Banyak yang bilang lo ngejar karir ye? Palalo ngejar karir, ngejar laki berkarir iye!

Gw juga pengen banget melepas posisi gw sebagai budak korporasi, bikin bisnis sendiri (dengan tambahan modal dari suami), nganter anak sekolah, belanja, nyalon, kursus menuang teh, dan lain-lain. Semacam kehidupan pernikahan itu indah sekali bagai dongeng dan solusi dari segala masalah gw semasa lajang.

“ets jgn salah, lo jgn nganggep nikah itu nyelesain masalah loh car.” kata seorang teman yg cantik ruarrrr biasa, digilai banyak pria, umur 29, dan lajang!

Setelah gw pikir-pikir iya juga ya, selama ini gw mikir pernikahan adalah solusi dari ketiadaan duit gw buat belanja, travelling, nyalon, atau dari kejenuhan gw dengan pekerjaan, atau dari kestresan gw menghadapi jakarta atau bahkan hanya untuk sekedar yg-penting-kondangan-ada-temennya.

Mungkin pernikahan lebih dari itu. Pernikahan bukan berarti solusi dari semua masalah. Tapi bisa jadi pernikahan adalah masalah baru.

Dan ketika mencari jawaban when is my turn, gw berpikir toh ngga guna juga nanya ke manusia lain. Bukannya yang namanya jodoh itu salah satu urusan Tuhan? Kenapa harus nanya ke orang lain mereka jelas ngga tau apa-apa since they know nothing about our destiny. Tidak orang tua kita, sahabat, tetangga, dukun apalagi boss kita.

Tanya aja sama diri sendiri, mengingat kita sendiri yang tahu seberapa jauh kita berusaha. Dan tanya aja sama Tuhan, kapan nih kita nikah??

Atau mungkin ngga usah peduli sekalian kalo ada yang nikah. Karena kan semua orang punya waktunya masing-masing. Bukankah begitu bukan?

Regards,
Carissa

could’ve been love..or not

(photo from here )

Last Saturday I went to his wedding. At first, I felt like I was sooo ready enough to come to his wedding. And especially, in the morning I just got my teeth pulled out of my mouth and it caused me A.LOT.OF.PAIN. yes. And it successfully distract me from the thoughts of “am i ready to go to his wedding?” oh and btw, have you ever heard someone said that heartache is more painful than toothache? Ergh. Do they ever go to the dentist and getting their teeth pulled out? How does it feel? It feels like hell. Ergh. None of those better. Tootache, heartache, that can not be compared. Oh and how does it feel when you suffer from both at the same time? Just please dear God, don’t ever let that happen to me. Amin.

So,back to the wedding, I thought I was all that ready mentally to attend the weeding, but as I made my first step into that building, I was like “can I just turned back, go home and watch DVD?” it seemed like my foot became irrationally heavy. But then, my friend told me “YOU HAVE TO GET IN THERE”. Finally, though it was really hard, i succesfully got into the building and be in that wedding reception. And then, my friends decided to go to the line and congratulates him and his wife. (notes : did i just write wife?? I still can’t believe that he has a wife rite now). I knew that be on that stage and congratulate him face to face was the last thing i wanted to do. On my head, i was planning just to sign my name on the guest list, eat the food, and get my ass out of that building. But, the reality was, we had to queue in the line and congratulate him and her face to face. I mean that’s a normal people would do in every wedding reception.

And, as i was queueing in the line and thinking “it’s not too late to turned back and eat some food instead of doing this”, the wedding singer started to sing ‘It Must Have Been Love’ by Roxxete. And as i heard the wedding singer sing

“It must have been love, but it’s over now”

The tears unexpectedly start to pouring down. I didn’t know why i had to cry. That was really embarassing. Crying in the wedding reception. O em jih, i’ve never imagined myself in that effing embarassing situation like that. So, i walked out of the line and tried to calm myself but the more i tried to hold back my tears, the more it poured down uncontrolable. Damn you wedding singer!! Y U NO SING A LOVE SONG LIKE OTHER NORMAL WEDDING SINGER DOES INSTEAD OF A BROKEN HEARTED SONG????

I didn’t know what i was crying at. I’ve never lost him because simply i can’t lose what i’ve never had. I didn’t lose anything. Or maybe i lost the concept, the imagination i built. Sometimes when you have a crush on someone, you unconsciously build your own world in which you and him/her live happily ever after. You also unconsciously build a concept of him/her on how perfect he/she is. You build his/her character as perfect as it could be in your imagination. And when you get you heart broken, which you gotta face the reality that he/she is choosing another person, you thought you cry over him/her. But maybe you actually cry over your imagination, your world that you build in your mind, because the reality is not the same as you have imagined.

And actually, i felt that way too. I cried over my imagination. I cried over the reality that went unmatched with my imagination. Anyway, when the it must have been love song was sang, it seemed like all the past moments of me and him (when we were friends and actually it was not that special) were playing in front of my eyes. And i gotta face the fact that my imagination is officially over at that time. It could have been love…or not. But that’s the way it is. Right?

Anw, after attending his wedding reception, i came to think, maybe behind every wedding, there is always someone’s heart that breaks. ;p

quote of the day

“As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn’t work for me. I’d just rather sit at home and read, or go out to dinner with someone, or talk to someone I love, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh.”

-Daniel Radcliffe-

Hello to 2012

today is officialy first day of January 2012. means, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. I actually hate to spend my new year’s eve outside the house, i mean like other normal young people who hang out with their friends or going to new year party. well in fact, i’m really not into it. i would rather stay at home, watching some drama romantic movies, or reading books, or blog. quite weird. and many people don’t believe me when I tell them that I spend my new year’s eve at home.

anyway, about this year changing, i feel a little bit sad knowing that December, which is my favorite month, is officially over and change into January. I love January too, since my birthday is on January, but for me, December always been a good month. Rainy-romantic-December. And when the clock went to 00.00 the sky started to be filled by the fireworks. And I started to rewind all the things that happened in 2011.

the 2011 for me was like a roller coaster. up and down. laughter but also tears. but less drama, i have to admit. thank God for that. some hellos and some goodbyes. some new experiences. some conflicts. Tiring, surprising and struggling. that’s my recap for 2011. I have done a lot of things in 2011. things that I started with tears and feeling afraid because I thought it was impossible for me to face that. and to embrace 2012, i feel scared. i don’t know what will going on in 2012 later and i feel a little bit scared to face it. i know that new year means new challenges and new opportunities. yeah, that two always go together. but i don’t know why, i’m kinda doubting myself whether i could go through another challenges or not. i know, i know, doubting yourself is not really a good way to start a new year. well, all i need is just to have faith on myself and on God, rite?

oh, by the way, new year also means new resolution. and so, what was my 2012 resolution again?? i don’t think i have made it. yeah, you know what, one of my 2012 resolution is as simple as owning a pair of boots and having a confidence to wear it in JAKARTA. and being a commit Pescetarian. and live more healthy. like signing up for a yoga class or that pilates class, or maybe just go swimming once a week. oh and, the most important thing, my business that i built with my best friends, which is YippieStore (on twitterland @yippiestore), would go better and i actually don’t care about the profit sharing, all I concern is just us getting a stronger friendship and hope that business or money would not tear us apart. amen to that.

so, am i ready for the new year?? *too late stu, it’s already new year* i mean, am i ready for the upcoming challenge? am i ready to turn into 24 yo? i don’thave any other words to say except BISMILLAHIRAHMANIRAHIM (Dengan menyebut nama Allah yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang).

so, cheers to 2012. God always be with us and may God bless us.

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PS : seeing the fireworks tonite,that was pretty cool. and i believe that you and i are staring at the same sky. Happy New Year, then. When will we meet?

Welcome, December

Hello, my favorite month of the year. I smell holiday